Hollywood has always had this love-hate relationship with our dear city. On one hand it's really super pretty, on the other it's damn annoyingly pretty. Yet I don't remember any other year when so many movies have been so keen to smash the whole place up.
I've put together clips from three new movies below. Watch, then read, and watch it again afterwards.
Let's take the movies in reverse order.
Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs looks like quite a hoot. I like the graphic style, and the two trailers I've see have made me laugh. Their Eiffel Tower sandwich is very dainty, I must say.
Before that, there's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I'm guessing it's not a very good film. Their attack of Paris has a first shot of fireballs flying past the Eiffel Tower, which has been relocated half way across town to fit into the frame, and then a second shot of the fireballs flying past the Tower again and immediately hitting a not-very-Parisian-looking building. Double gold star for defying the laws of physics guys.
But the main part of the medley below is dedicated to G.I. Joe - The Rise of the Cobra. There is so much wrong with this clip - and undoubtedly the film - that I have to list the problems.
1. Speeding car going along the banks of the Seine, with the Eiffel Tower in the distance, once again moved across the city to fit into shot, signalling to teenagers ever so subtly that THIS IS HAPPENING IN PARIS.
2. In the car, French actor Saïd Taghmaoui is obviously just there to get funding from Europe, and practically unintelligible. It took me five listens to realise he's saying "We're only 2 kilometres away".
3. Black dude with a ridiculous, ridiculous mockney accent.
4. Asian dude (obviously evil) cannot act for toffee, as shown by his evil gopher delivery of "He never gives up".
5. The action is now suddelny taking place on a looks-more-like-Berlin street with a forest at the end of it (saves painting in the whole city). Where did the Seine go?
6. NERD ALERT. In HD you can see that the destination on the front of the tram actually says "Attaque de l'ouest" (attack coming from the West).
7. Car breaks through barrier before tram. What? This is not a level crossing! There are no barriers for trams in Paris. Can you imagine how many there would have to be?
8. Tram hits very end tip of car. Instead of spinning it round, the car launches into the air like a rocket, with smoke and everything!
9. Car catapults over tram, crash lands on two cars and continues skidding down the street. No explosion. No flames. Next shot: said car is now back sitting upside down on those two other cars again, not moving, then suddenly there's a big explosion and the car starts rolling down the street in flames.
10. Those two guys in sort of protective suit things running after the car. If one of them can manage to jump over the tram, why does the other one have to smash through it? Duh.
11. Finale, with green goo instantaneously eating through the Eiffel Tower, making it crumble and crash into the Seine. Just plain mean.
Check it out again below or click here to see it in HD.